Thursday, October 30, 2008

Clocks Turning Back--Oh Joy!


Every year I swear to myself that it will be different. That this is the year that the darkness closing in earlier won't get to me. And ever year, I fail. Now, I gotta tell you that I have analyzed this till the cows came home and left again. No matter how much I tell myself that 'attitude is everything' ( mine obviously sucks) and that I really could choose to  look at this a "cozy comfy nesting time of the season", it doesn't work and always comes back to the same old story. When the clocks go back, I go black. Not suicidal, not get me out of here or I will lose my sanity -check me in right now, manic hysteria black--it's all a little more like a really ugly darkish -grey.

 I just don't dig the night much, let alone winter nights. And why oh why, I am begging to know --do we need to screw with the whole time thing anyway? Isn't it bad enough that God sees fit every single year to slowly take our light away from us, that we collectively (and for no good reason that anyone has ever been able to explain to me)  have to speed the darkness up by putting the clocks back-- making sure to drive the nail just a bit deeper into the darkness coffin!??

It's not that there isn't plenty to do. There are books to read ( or write!) five hundred television channels, dogs to play with, husband to talk to, I could take up cooking like nice normal people do, I could meditate and get to know that oh so often elusive God better, I've got the Internet to soar all over the globe with -- How dare I be such a complainer? It's just that ( and this is the part so unnerving to me) it's just so damned dark. 

I don't know when I stopped  going out at night. I think all the years of being a single mom- I just got in habit of taking a hot bath ( when kid would let me)  at around 5, closing the curtains and "settling in"  And now that I can go anywhere at night, do anything- well, let's put it this way, it's six pm , I have already bathed, jammied, and am ready for another night of Nancy Grace, laptop blogging on the sofa and hoping that something tonight just might feel different.

It doesn't. What the hell is wrong with me? What is my excuse now?-  Is it a sign of age that I just plain want to be home at night inside safe and sound ( and nuts)?

 I am always amazed at the people out and about at night as if it is the most natural thing in the world to them. Movies, dinners, shopping, visiting ( hey do people even go hang out at each others houses at night anymore?)  This thought unfortunately now takes me down another bad spiral, leading me to spin out on this-- Where are my friends? Do I really even have friends?  Their all scattered. Why don't I have a cool village tribe, a gang of peeps to hang with? There ain't no village here! What the hell is wrong with me and my life? What happened? Why am always so uncomfortable in my own nighttime skin? Truth be told- my daytime skin has some real issues too.  I guess I could go out drinking if I drank, or go to AA meetings for if I didn't. Jeez- I'm a mess. 

I truly wonder what compells me to sit here night after night--feeling like I am just killing time till daylight peaks out again. Or ( and I really really want to know this)  are these normal feelings that I am having? By the way,  I spend my life asking variations of that one question," Is this normal?"

 I use up ridiculous amounts of time-- so many hours wondering if other people have the same weird feelings as I do.  Like there is an real answer to this!? Will I ever fully know? Does it even matter? But seriously, ( and this comes bursting out of  Patrice's curiosity factory) do any of you feel like any of this? And for the love of God, I hope your answer is yes.

What I do know is that whenever I travel ( especially third world countries) nighttime feels different somehow. (Granted when travelling, everything feels different). People seem to be outside at night- hanging in their villages. Just being. 

Heck, You drive around here at night in the residential neighborhoods and you don't see soul stirring. Just the glow of lights behind the drawn shades. Creepy. 

Hmmmnnn--Maybe if I had a "real job", and I wasn't a stay at home writer all day.  Then it  would all be so different, I'm sure of it. I guess if you are at work all day--you are just so happy to be home and cooking and with your family and the night speeds on by and you don't sit around wondering about all this. 
Agghh!!!  I'm getting sick of hearing myself already. 

 I could absolutely change this if I wanted to right? Get out of the sleepy clothes,  join a "club-- a committee-take a class" why, I could volunteer- help someone- call everyone I know, make a collage...  Jeez I live in a cool neighborhood with all kinds of cafes open late,  I could take the laptop, find a nice bohemian spot and write deep into the night, with lots of other creative types ( or those that just had to escape home like me)...

but NO-- I apparently would rather sit here on the couch, pondering obsessively  the meaning of this all. And it's not like  the end of the world or anything. Nighttime just puzzles me. 

Day brings with it all sorts of possibilities. The birds sing for God's sake! Not hearing any birds --Nope-- there are no birdies singing around here tonight. They even seem to "close" down till morning.

 And now that's all said, Saturday night the Clocks Go Back!. Pray for me will ya! Kidding-- (not really) 

 Ah, It's now 7:00 ( you all helped me get through another hour)

Gotta go! Phony weird Nancy Grace, who I'm addicted to) beckons.

Okay, I lied- Here is my final final thought--- I'm feeling the need to defend my crazy sounding self--It really isn't as bad as I make it seem --I'm just very dramatic-- bit of  an intense weirdo here on this particular planet Earth. On my home planet, there was no "night"  everything felt right and I Rocked!  I'm convinced of it!! And quite frankly, tonight Home sounds good. 

But it's okay--I'll get back there again soon enough, so I will try  for the millionth time to "work on my attitude" a little bit more--make some peace with all of this.

Until then,

Hey wait! New and big thought just came to me--- I suddenly started remembering all the things about night that are so incredible-- they deserve to be in print tonight too-- and yes, because of them-- my attitude seems to be changing- Lo and Behold!

Patrice's ten favorite night things  ( not in any particular order)

Stars ( especially shooting ones!)
Moonlight over the ocean
The twinkle of city lights
The sound of owls, coyote and other night critters
The dreamy drifting feeling as I fall asleep
Outdoor Fires 
The promise of the day to come!

Wow Night suddenly looks a whole lot brighter-- as you can tell by the colors -- I am feeling downright rainbowy!

  However, while looking at list above, I kind of got my self all esoteric and stuff realizing that many of the items on the list still have to do with Light!

There's something deeply spiritual in all this-- but I'm getting too tired to figure it all out
 (that rascal night will do that to you!)  

So I will close out here (before it becomes day again and therefore irrelevant) by simply saying and I really mean this in the truest sense of the word...

My blogs never really end--they just go to sleep...


just love,


Tuesday, October 28, 2008

You Raise Them And Then They Leave You!

 I miss my son.

He (Eli) moved away a little over a year ago to go live with his dad and stepmother 400 miles away in Santa Cruz, California. I let him go because he really really wanted to -- he was pretty miserable here, hating school, life and Los Angeles. I didn't want him to resent me for the rest of his life if I said no to his pleading sixteen year old self-- I wanted him to be happier so I reluctantly agreed. I agreed while being smothered with hugs and kisses and promises that we would "talk all the time" and email and video chat and visit and .... It didn't happen.

 I feel like I have been fired and it hurts like hell. I am now only allowed to call him "every seven days." Because he feels "pressured" if I call more often.  He is not an emailer, the video chats only happened twice in the whole year and I have not seen him now in almost four months. The empty nest sucks and I am not adjusting well . The irony of course is that during all those years single parenting him, I used to fantasize about the day that I would be "free." Let this be a wake up call to all of you out there craving that same freedom.

It is a was a way over-rated fantasy. Honestly, is a hobby and lots of " extra time for myself" supposed to in any way help fill up the empty hole that I feel inside? Am I feeling such sadness because this separation wasn't in the natural order of things? Would it have felt better somehow if he had left to go off to college at 18 like the norm?  Is this feeling simply a profound jealousy that his father and stepmother now have him all day every day and I don't? He apparently isn't missing me much at all and bottom line is that feels so awful.  And don't even get me started with how I feel about "them"-- (not such nice people I tell ya)-- or the fact that the kid is being "unschooled" meaning-- No School! No job, very few friends, no motivation,  no plan, no discipline. Just Eli out in the woods of Santa Cruz playing video games and getting "unpressured!"  But I digress-- 

I wanted to finish my job, the job that I had started. I raised him since he was born completely by myself. It was me and him against the world. (I even wrote my second book, The Single Mother's Survival Guide all about all my experiences raising him and my first children's book The Invisible String about the string I used to tell him about, when he would cry at the pre- school door as I dropped him off so I could go to work - (The string that connects all of us that love one another). Maybe this very closeness that we shared is the reason that he felt such a strong need to break free and be with the father that he only knew for a few weeks over summer and Christmas vacations all those years.  The father that I have heard a boy needs to bond with to fully grow up into a healthy man?  All I know is that I feel cut off and cut off way too early.  And the really sad thing is that he is still very unhappy, still having a really hard time- still filled with all that teenage angst. When your child is hurting and you can't even be there to comfort them, it is a powerless awful feeling. He is still struggling so much that I wonder if letting him go was all for naught.

Why does no one ever tell you (in a way that you can really truly hear) that you raise them and then they leave you?  I do remember being told by so many veteran parents years ago that you should "enjoy every wonderful/ miserable moment because you blink and they are gone!" But I guess I didn't really hear it. Maybe you just can't really hear it until it applies to you and by then it's way too late. Sure enough,  I blinked and he was gone.

I keep seeing mothers and their teenage sons walking around town and that old familiar giant lump in my throat swells up and I can't even call him to hear his beautiful changing voice, because my "seven day wait" isn't here yet. I covet all those mothers that have their acne faced, fabulous growing boys still around. I kind of like the idea of all the thousands of supposed  boy/men in Italy who never leave home and their moms still take care of them cooking, loving and laundrying them! Right now that sounds great. I know, I know-- I really do have issues!

 I love my dog, my stepdaughter, my husband ( today in that order!) But the fact is, the way that I feel in this moment, I would give them all up in heartbeat, to live with Eli again. Does that mean I was/am "enmeshed?" Do I really even give a sh-t what you call it? Not so much.

 I simply don't know how to deal with the sorrow, the ache inside, of driving past all the places that  make up my mothering history. The old places we used to live, the restaurants we went to, the parks and the schools.  It is a death of sorts and the mourning is fresh and seemingly not getting any better. And yet ( and OF COURSE I am grateful for this) he is okay. He just chose not to live with me anymore. And that is one huge Ouch.

 Is  their something wrong with me that it is now a full year later and I feel just as heartbroken as the day I saw him and his dad ( who I divorced when Eli was 3 months old) driving off in the truck with all of Eli's stuff? Or am I just a momma lion who, like all momma lions,  love their off spring fiercely-- maybe too fiercely? I want my boy to be happy and I don't know how to help him from so far away -- that makes me feel pretty helpless on my end.

Nobody that I know really wants to hear about this anymore, maybe they just don't know what to say... I can't say that I blame them. I know that I sound like a whining, sniveling, despondent character around all of this. Guess that's why I needed to blog about it. I had to tell someone-- someone kind, someone that would listen.  Today that kind someone  is you. Thank you for being there. For being here.

 And in the one- in -a -million chance that you ever read this, my son, I love you more than you will ever know. I miss you. Today the "string" doesn't feel like enough, so-- call your mother! 

Just Love,

Eli's mom

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Night Flight Home

  I flew home from San Fransisco to Los Angeles a couple of nights ago. It was one of those crystal clear nights and from the sky the lights of humanity sparkled in all their vastness below me. I was reading a particularly poignant book, a sad but beautiful memoir from a man I will, in all likely hood never meet, but who none the less let me deeply into his world though his beautiful words, the way that only a great and fearless writer can. I literally had to put the book on my lap every page or so and swallow hard, tears flowing. For the rest of the flight, I created a pattern of read a page, turn to the window look out and cry.
There was a couple sitting in my row and the husband who was directly next to me felt so darned close I could barely breathe without sensing he could feel the very heat of my breath. Anyway I didn't want the dude to see my crying so I would read, look out the window and cry, read, look out the window and cry. The lights twinkling below just seemed somehow to make the whole thing that much more intense. 
Flying at night over cities has always had this effect of me. Something about seeing so much life, so many people, the cars, the homes, the lit up pools and stadiums the freeways criss-crossing, the life. So much life, so many humans all doing what humans do. It just seemed so surreal to me on this particular night. How is it that we are all sharing this one space called Earth and yet we so often feel disconnected, so very lonely somehow? It was a strange sensation. The hum of the plane, the staring man next to me, the sad book, all the life going on below me and there in the sky-- one Patrice Karst for the millionth or more time wondering what she always wonders, "  Just what are we really all doing here anyway?"
The flight attendants going up and down the plane handing out diet cokes and beers, the captains captaining, the over tired children fussing, their even more over tired parents scolding. Another page turns, another tear falls, and out the window another few hundred thousand beings coming and going in the night and I found myself even more confused than ever. How is it, I asked myself that there are so many people sharing this Earth? What at this moment as I looked below is really going on?

In that one moment, I knew that there were lovers loving and screamers screaming and lonely people switching from channel to channel all the while looking for something that they cannot  ever find where they are looking for it and Patrice flying overhead who will never meet any of them, yet in this moment of flight, feeling an intimacy with them that was unexplainably real. My brethren below. My humans. 
There was something about seeing Los Angeles as we approached and the lights that seemed to spread out below me endlessly that made me at once feel insignificantly lost in the giant sea of humanity while at the same time because of the unique state of being overhead that made me feel almost God like. Is this, I wondered what it is like for God? Seeing all His children as billions of  lights below. A sea of humans spreading out as far as the eye can see. 
I had a vantage point that looked so different from the norm of being in the thick of it. The view from above so distant, so voyeuristic, so sad somehow . Lonely. And still the man kept staring, and the pages turning and the tears falling.  I imagined for no particular reason at all but because it just seemed like a good thing to do considering my mood, to work with sending vibrations of of love to the multitudes below as I flew on by. Wishing for the sad ones some comfort and the angry ones some peace, the hungry ones whatever they most hungered for. 
I  wanted so badly right then to call someone, a friend, my husband , my boy, and to tell them how much I loved them.  
Because at the end that is always the default isn't it? The deep need to give and to receive and to share our love. I wanted to be hugged and held, and to hug and to hold. And still the lights twinkled and the man stared and the pages of the book kept turning, tears falling, my mind churning. 
It was humbling and daunting at the same time to see just how many of us there were-- there are-- in just this one city of lights, this "city of angels". Who were, who are all these people? What were they all doing and thinking and feeling right now. I was so acutely aware of them but I'm sure none of them aware of me flying overhead. .

Something about being up in the air has always been a very reflective place for me- above it all. Probably why I have always loved tops of mountains and the vistas below. Somehow being above the fray and the frenzy, the commotion of life, has always brought me a sense of awe and an awareness of the freedom that I crave so much-- tonight though it was odd and sad and scary. So many many people and I just one of the pulsating masses who were in this moment just below.
When we landed the man next to me smiled and I sent one back to him-- He wasn't a bad guy-- maybe he too needed some connection.  He knew I had spent the flight in tears yet nothing was said( thank God) he respected my need for things to remain unspoken. Yet when our eyes met a feeling of knowing, an undeniable moment of connection was shared.
Husband Mark picked me up at an over crowed LAX and we drove home -away into the night. As we drove along I looked up at a plane flying above and sent whomever might be looking down and feeling like I had  just minutes before , a beam of  light from this one particular being named Patrice. 
We really are after all continually all just switching places aren't we? Just trading roles -- as above- so below could not have made more sense to me than at that moment.
I held Mark's hand and squeezed it extra hard on the drive home. I felt so good to belong to someone, to him.  To be one of those millions of lights and to have one that I love so much  to share my  particular little spark with.

Just Love,

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

To Blog or Not to Blog?

 What I truly love about this whole blogging experience for me is that it  forces me to write.

What I truly detest about this whole blogging experience for me is that it forces me to write.

Therein lies the story of my life, all our lives. The duality, The choices. Joy or Sorrow. Light or Dark. Good or Evil. The irony is that each feeds off the other and one cannot know fully one side unless it has tasted it's exact opposite.
But Oy Friggen Vey!- What turmoil, what chaos comes from all the choices (big and little) that one has to make in each given moment, in a very long life.

So after much dialogue about whether to blog or not tonight, with all the accompanying and very, "used car salesmanlike"  voices on both teams weighing in- somewhere inside Patrice a choice was made--  To Blog won over the mindless yet very tempting crap that was on TV.

It is  good for my soul, necessary for my head, and vital for my sanity for me to blog. Whether 10 people or 10 thousand read my words is not what matters. 

There is some sense of safety realizing it's more like ten reading me than the other!  I have to admit what a rush the thousands would be. Would I still keep it as real? As raw? As pure?  I would like to think so but who knows. I would also like to think that if I became rich and famous- my core personality would stay the same and that I would remain " unaffected" and I would be same ol' Patrice-  but again who really knows? All we do know for sure  is what is  right here- right now-- staring us in the face, kissing us softly or punching us in the gut depending on the moment in question.

In this particular moment, I struggle. I struggle with my absolute conviction and faith in God the Light and Source- while at the same time, the forces of shadow, of negativity, try to seduce me with their incessant chatter and ways of pushing me that only they know how to do ( a missed phone call means I will never hear back from that person  ever again, the publishing rejection means I  obviously suck as a writer, the  boredom I feel means I am a freak who is never comfortable in her own skin)-- you get my drift.

So tonight, rather than obsess in my usual way- I blog- I write- I share it away-- and in the process I become lighter, I feel a connection to the human race and each being struggling alongside me on this whirly twirly planet and I become part of the picture rather than a sad lonely observer hanging out and watching it all go by in the wings.

I am noticing that I am tending to write when sad much more than when I am happy. What is that about I wonder? Is that human nature or just my human nature? Or am I just miserable most of the time???

Am I really this morose?- God, I hope not! I'm funny--  I'm funny as hell. No really, I am a funny gal You should see me when I'm "on" Funny I tell you, Ask my friends. I pledge to write more in my funny state soon. 

But I blogged- I promised you that I would always keep it real so --Yeah for me!
If you are out there- write back!- I really love hearing from you ...Where are YOU hanging out in your hearts and heads these days? Once again, A goblet of love is being lifted as I propose a toast of reminder to us all to be extra kind and loving to ourselves right now. This is a must.

Oh, and good things HAVE happened by -the -way. My non- profit 501 c3 foundation The Just Love Project has launched-- We are official - and off to help change the world- Way more on that later.

Coco the wiener dog is whining and flipping on her back for attention.

The seventeen year old in Santa Cruz  wants me to not call him until he calls me, even if that is a "long time". This is apparently a normal part of teenage boy individuating . WTF? It feels like shit. I cried a lot last night. Screw it-- I am still calling- He can't get rid of me that easy! But maybe I should honor his request and let him miss me for a change!  This teenage thing is brutal but when they live far away even worse. At least when they still live at home- even if they tell you to "get lost" you still get to pass the Cheerios to them in the morning and see their snarling little faces - I wish I could see his right now.

The husband I adore is on the boat tonight in the harbor bobbing along happily. It is a wonderful thing to have someone who really really loves you and he does and bless him for that- because sometimes I am so not loveable!

 And there you guys all are-- somewhere spinning on this giant globe we call home.

 Meanwhile, God and all  powers that be are watching, guiding, inspiring our strange funny little family.
And in this moment-- for some reason known only to the Cosmos- my mood has dramatically shifted- and I am feeling deep and real LOVE FOR EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU. All my brothers and sisters. We are on this ride together. Really.

Now to the dachshund who loves me like only her four-legged cute self can--
Life ain't so bad-- especially when I take the time to share it with You...

Just Love,

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Bad Words and the Email from Grace

 Hey Everyone,
  I feel like a lazy ASS today for not getting my butt off to yoga and sitting here for 14 hours at the "terminal" (albeit a pretty flippin' nice terminal to be at- ocean view, cool hood, love my Mac, not a bad scene at all). The reason, by the way, that I capitalized ASS was because I could... This tiny act of rebellion comes from a meeting I had a couple of nights ago with my literary agent, whereupon she mentioned that I use too many "curse" words (in other words that I need to clean up my potty mouth) to which I wanted to say are you F-cking kidding me? The planet is about to implode and you're offended by my rather "salty sailor/sexy wench and I think quite uniquely me way of expressing She said that it was un-becoming for a "teacher" to speak like that.  To which I retorted, " but I am a totally different kind of teacher and I don't talk like that onstage-- (well not as a habit!)." She was unmoved.
  I spent the rest of our meeting being very aware of just how much I hate eggshells, and vacillating between feeling like a scolded, shamed, naughty child and one royally pissed off adult.

JEEZ! Sometimes the whole darn thing is just so well darned irritating. What darned thing are you talking about? you ask--- I mean the WHOLE DARNED THING all of it..The whole thing that occurs from when -you- first- open- your- eyes- till- when -you- close- them- darned thing.  LIFE!  (But not really!)   It's just my current mood and since I am bla bla blogging I thought I would just go right on ahead with exactly what's up in the current moment with me- Lucky you huh?!!! Which leads me to my meeting earlier.

 I just came back from tea with a gal that was telling me about this new book called Radical Honesty which is about well  Radical Honesty and how that can change your life. Hmmmmnnn.  Well the deal that I started pondering is that , for almost all of my life-  I have lived for the most part as one hell of a truthful- honest- kinda -gal . It is kind of my whole shtick ( I really don't know another way to be  and not feel sick inside) , I can tell you for sure though that this kind of radical honesty doesn't make you the most popular kid on the block. It is quite the burden always being the one with the balls to call the emperor out as naked, because well, he is! While everyone else around you is wildly applauding his lovely invisible robes.

 So I am not sure about the whole radical honesty thing-- Integrity and sense of self- check!  Easy to do? no check Scary- check check check!!!. You gotta have a thick skin and be a brave soul to really venture here. Trust me, I have the battle scars to prove it. But, I invite you to really exploring the concept of living as though " To Thine Own Self Be True" was one of your personal mission statements.There is alot to be said for it and  you will be taken to some very trippy wonderful places inside.

Oh! One really cool thing that happened today is that out of  cyber space blue, this incredible orphanage in Southern India that was formed after the cyclone disasters, wrote me a very beautiful email asking for financial help ( complete with many pictures of all the kids) . Since I am have literally just launched my non profit foundation- The Just Love Project-- I took this to be a great God Wink that I am on the right track.  How friggen' cool would that be! --To actually be in a position to fly to India ( my favorite country on Earth by the way) and hand checks out like candy to help these children that will never know the creature comforts you and  I take for granted. Now that has to be one hell of a feeling. I'm jazzed, committed and on a mission- I will be hitting you up soon. In fact--I'll start now. If you can help out at all-- please go visit my site and please make a donation. I promised Emmanuel the head of the orphanage called GRACE that his orphange would be the very first place we would help. Now that the promise has been made and we have exchanged so many emails and photos-- this is all so very real to me. 

To actually have a non- profit organization so that I cannot not just write books and talk, talk talk but to actually be able to hand over CASH to help people  in a very real, hands on, way. This "out of the blue" email addressed to "Sister Patrice" at Just Love, asking for help from the "Grace" Orphanage, was way -way wonderful.   I just love synchronistic coolness from the universe- the magical signs- I take this as one from upstairs that I am on the right track here. 
So although I say,"bad" words sometimes-  my heart- it's in the right place..
.....just where it should be

Just Love!

Thursday, October 9, 2008

So, This is the Dawning of the Age of Aquarius???

Well, well, well folks -- Here we go!

Not exactly what I imagined- but how does one ever guess about these things?
What I do know is that the times they be a changing now very fast and aren't going to be a slowing down any time soon.  
Stay tuned in.  I know it's outta- control kind of  scary but —the old way was pretty friggen scary too. I mean really it was a bleak system — greedy, ugly and Wrong.

That said-It is getting pretty-pretty-pretty weird out there--

I swear to God, I heard a guy on CNN or MSNBC - some pundit actually saying that people should be investing in things that they can actually trade between each other when all hell breaks loose, like canned foods, bottles of booze and cartons of cigarettes...WTF
I feel that strange kind of surreal feeling that is really disconcerting... Is all this fear  coming from over- amped media hype or are the seals actually being opened,  the trumpets sounding and the prophesies of all the religions and spiritual paths finally all coming down and coming down like- Right Now?

On one hand, I Patrice  the anarchist- rebel-renegade-way left liberal-down with "the man"- hippy — Time for a Revolution- "Hey I'm broke anyway , so who cares if the whole economy crashes"--I want to  watch the fireworks explode, kinda gal, is doing battle with the "hey, I kinda like my creature comforts and just how bad is this suffering going to be and shit, I was just about to make it and finally have some money and uh -oh I'm freaking out here, and what the hell was I thinking anyway?" voice .This make for some emotional tumbling in Patrice's head-- Some kind of chaos going on in here.

On one hand I know that in order for TRUE MAGIC and ENLIGHTENMENT to occur and transform us, then the bottom does have to fall out-That is just logic -- You don't crave the Light until you have spent enough time in the Darkness. And though I hate to say it, I  just don't quite think it has gotten dark enough for the masses to have that powerful enough a collective shifting of consciousness that could change everything--But let's be real here-- this is going to be tough and I mean tough like you I and I can't even fathom kind of tough.
  And yet, would I be disappointed if somehow tomorrow this whole current financial crisis all gets resolved and  we all go on our merry way - the same old status quo?

The answer is a resounding Yes! It may sound like a terrible thing to say if you don't get where I am coming from.  Of course I don't want doom and destruction- but I do want change- It's just that I want-- REAL CHANGE- HEAVEN ON EARTH AGAIN- kind of change. The old paradigm was hell.  We all know it. The time has finally come for a huge shift. Hold hands. We need to be brave little warriors of the Light- brace ourselves-know that changes of cosmic proportions are being made and we are lucky to be here to witness history as the whole thing unfolds. 
I know that many of  you really get what I am saying and if you were here in my living room tonight, I would give you one big Kumbaya kinda hug-- I can't imagine anyone else  that I would rather do a little choppin' wood and carryin' water with than you.

So let's just go ahead and  think of it as one very big, super cool- and rather odd survival party. where we all live and love together and help each other- brothers and sisters -- that sounds pretty freakin' great to me.  Now in the meantime-- I pledge to and I Invite you to join with me in...

Hanging out with our loved ones a lot- and start loving these said loved ones more than ever.
 ( add in warm fuzziness rolled up with compassion for all of the relatives on Earth that we don't know- too) Let's laugh now more than ever and CUT OURSELVES LOTS OF SLACK. I promote the eating of the most delicious cookies we can get get your hands on, rolling around with the dogs, staying informed -- but to really get the reality check of all reality checks ( the best "news" network there is)  we all really need to head on inside, dial in to Spirit and Listen - Spirit /God will bring us comfort that all the chocolate, sex or good television could never even could come close to ( They sure seem to help though)-  Let's all go on inside our hearts and third eyes and check it out-Really! Then follow what 
you feel guided to do ( Hint, if it something kind and loving) you have been listening to the right channel.

Look, the deal is that  I have no idea what exactly will be happening and how it will unfold-nor does anyone else here on the Earth. Let's do what we can for each other and that might just mean a lot of hand- holding.  We'll just ride this thing out together...I'm will be right here for you-- for real--Stay close-Ok?

Keep your eye on the prize -- The Awakening of Humanity awaits- And it is High time.
 Oh yeah.


Just Love,


Monday, October 6, 2008

When You Get God On The Line--

There are a lot of calls going out to God right now-- some thoughts on making the most out of your call...

The world is  going cuckoo now--  hang tough my spiritual comrades-- The Light awaits-- In the meantime ---

Why is it that we only seem to call God during a crisis?  God is available and ready to help us and hear us 24/7 and during even times when millions are all calling at one time. ( He is God after all!) He is capable of mass interventions and handling many calls simultaneously...but wouldn’t it be nice to get him during his down times occasionally ( though we aren’t sure He has many of these anymore) my point is that if you want to really develop a deep relationship with your Creator, call on him sometimes when things are peaceful just a quick hello once in a while is a beautiful thing!

When you call God, you don’t necessarily hear back actual words from a human voice ( though it does happen) This is where faith comes in. If we believe that God is there to hear our calls, then we must also believe that somehow He will answer us...In His time frame! Let go...surrender...know that He has heard you and be ready to see the many ways that he might respond. He knows what he is doing and you will get your answers at just the right time and in just the right way. Stay open....

Get to know God before the end....that is after all the whole point of life. Don’t wait till  the whole human gig is up before you make His/Her acquaintance. Think of it this way, if you were going to spend a long long time visiting someone in a far away land, wouldn’t it be nice to know a bit about them and they you first...Makes for a much more intimate and close visit, Not to mention something to really look forward to . 

 If you are going to take the time and energy to traverse the Cosmos and talk to God, it is my humble suggestion that you Listen! Take His/Her words as Gospel ( good pun!) God don’t make mistakes and though you may not always like His answers...The Dude of all dudes knows what He is attention.

The switchboard to God is all lit up be patient- He knows you are on the line.

Oh and say hello for me will ya?

Just Love,

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

The Call of the Sea Witch

Aye--I wish tonight that you might come a dancin' with me...

Think Mist's of Avalon a blowin' through and wild Celtic music playing-- better yet, put some on

In the wee hours of the morn,  I write to you by magic cross candlelight and wild herbs a burning , a smudge of sage and a touch of sandalwood. The mood is set and the time is right.  I want to share with you as it is happening a hauntingly beautiful experience unfolding right before me. I am soaring- being energetically transported back to a time so long, long ago-- 
An alchemical brew as I go deeper and deeper, all the right ingredients coming together in such a way as to invoke a haunting far off memory -- a dream-- a place and a era gone by-- the foghorns of ships that passed in the night once long ago when I was living in England and  just wee and knew nothing of what life would bring--

Yet in that moment way back when, something crystallized that defined me and somehow tonight the coming together of a balmy ocean wind blowing in from sea and the light from the crescent moon across a dark turquoise sky and a bursting open heart from the most absolutely beautiful CD mixture of Celtic Voices and melodies, mystical harmonies -- The Call of the Sea Witch-- all conspiring together to open the portal to places that I haven't seen or felt since that night as young young girl -- 
A place of promise when all possibility danced and playfully sang it's great love song to me that has pulled me always- the life long need to join in the quest for rare love and beauty -- to see behind the magic door--the sheer veil that parts that world from this- a place - a time when the  magic was alive and art was everything and for some reason on that night-  a seeming lifetime ago, the veil parted and I knew for just a short and wondrous while, what it was to be ethereal -- wild and free made of sound and light and gold dust unknown around these lands. It was true and it was real and I sense the excitement tonight of a knowing that it is to be again.

Enough writing now! The Music calls-- My body already undulating, swirling to old  familiar ancient sounds..

This wench must kick up her heels, This witch must dance as she moves  to the Call of the Sea   --- and so I shall--and so maybe shouldn't we all? ---   Dance a jig with us yes?
Come aboard you pirates of the heart. We will pillage for love and pure joy and kick up our heels together-- As it is now and  should have always been...Together again.

Aye we lads and ladies be a twirlin' now! 

Never be too late they say--- This life is for the livin'
Join with me will ya? Join the dance of the ages.

Don't you be a worry'n now--  --The winds of change be a blowing strong across all miles of land and sea--
God's blessings raining down upon us all- of this I am certain.

just love,