I don't even know where to begin....
Let's just put it this way.....I HAVE BEEN THROUGH HELL AND BACK AND I SURVIVED. They say that moving to Maui is a very different experience than going to visit. No truer words have ever been spoken. From the moment the plane landed till the moment another plane took off for Los Angeles 2 1/2 months later ( with me on it!) everything that could go wrong did go wrong.
From splitting up with my husband within weeks of arriving ,to the sugar cane burn that left a thick layer of brown red dirt for weeks over every surface in my house to the giant flying cockroaches to having no money and no jobs and tourism way down and people leaving the island in droves because of the suffering economy there to the unrelenting wind for weeks at a time that made me feel crazy to my growing intense depression as I looked out at the ocean and realized that I was a 5 hour flight from everyone and everything that mattered mostly including my 17 year old son on the mainland with his dad that made me realize that I couldn't handle an ocean separating us.... You momma lions know what I mean--- if we had to, we could walk miles to reach our children if they needed us ( but I can't swim 2500 miles!) and when you are running out of money on a little island and you are there with your car and your stuff and the wind and the bugs and your sad and your scared and your about to turn 50 and you feel alone--- well, you get the idea...
I was over it, and it was time to admit that the Maui adventure was just that, an adventure but it was not HOME. and so, I shipped the car, the dog, sold all the furniture that I had bought there and arrived at LAX at 4:40 am --
To add insult to injury, I sent out a pretty pleading email to my "circle" explaining my plight and that I needed a "soft place to land and be loved up a bit" ,well let me say here that the results were not staggering as far as offers went which really put me into a downward spin as I once again realized that I am ALONE.... my crazy mother and brother ( no really!) don't count as family and my friends are scattered ( I have moved so much in my life it is no wonder that I feel so displaced) and my son left momma at 13 to go live with "dad".
Heck it was me and Coco ( my beloved wiener dog and best friend) on the bed eating Denny's take out on July 5th ( my 50th birthday!) at the Extended Stay America in Woodland Hills( little furnished motel type rooms with TV and Internet and little kitchens that let you have your dog!)...
Yikes! It is one weird place--their "handle" is... "Extended stay where you can stay and stay!" Needless to say there are a lot of "transitioning folk" here and apparently, I am one of them!
There is so much more that I want to say--- I haven't written in so long and as my fingers move across the keyboard I feel somewhat alive again but I am also tired so I will close for today saying this....
God, I am so happy to be back on the Mainland. That said, I LOVE MAUI and if everything hadn't fallen apart, maybe my experience would have been very different. Yet it is said that Maui is a powerful teacher and that whatever needs looking at in your life, "She" will bring to the surface ( like I haven't been looking enough???)
Maui did what I had asked her to do ( just not in the way that I imagined) I asked for sanctuary and healing-- Sanctuary apparently is an inside job and healing comes in many forms.... I had to go to"paradise" to realize that it has to be within first. And so that is what I am now working on... My "pain body" as Eckhart Tolle speaks of in The Power of Now has been "feeding" on me for far too long ( it has had a lot to grow real big on with my "story") and before I leave this world, my goal is to find happiness, create it, bring it to others, live it and breathe it and by God, that is my new Mission. And if it took my Maui fiasco to bring me to this moment, then She did her job and now I am going to do mine. When you hit a bottom in your life, as this surely is-- there is a level of surrender, humility, compassion that goes beyond anything I have ever experienced. God and I are tight right now... and I am very ready for the promised miracles that come from this place.
What I learned in Maui about living with Aloha has forever been embedded in me-- I met so many living/giving angels in Maui and I will miss that so much, so many beautiful souls all iving in one place...Now I am here in the " city of angels"-- Los Angeles ( though most people here just don't know it yet) and I will be one of them. One day, I will offer sanctuary for people that need it. I will be that girl that never turns a blind eye to a plea for help. The only thing that matters to me now is kindness, the only true and ultimately meaningful spiritual practice ever. I am here now to love. Period.