Is it the New Year Yet???

My favorite day of the year every year is January 2nd.

Such a lovely day she is...The end of the madness and the promise that this just might be the year of all things new and shiny.

So I am holding on and reminding myself that all is well and that She indeed IS only days away.

I am saying this in my rental condo that has been torn apart with construction, and which currently is covered( and I mean every inch covered) in a fine layer of said construction dust, we still have no shower, son Eli (17) is visiting and has taken over the living room complete with all his clothes and dirty laundry strewn all over and loud marathon stints of BBC television shows that he watches over and over and might I mention OVER. There are drills, saws, tools and a toilet sitting where my where my sweet zen furniture used to be. The two dogs are going through some kind of canine co-dependency and separation anxiety ( probably from being in doggy jail also known as boarding for three weeks while I was traveling) they follow me from room to room literally clinging to my ankles at times. I can't go " back to work" to find my way out of my financial mess because the world is still on holiday, ah yes, and the fact the constant drilling and pounding truly makes any kind of conversation utterly impossible and finally ( so that you can really feel my current state of mind) Captain Mark ( my husband) who did fly in for a whopping 36 hours and then jetted off is writing blogs ( one of the only ways that I can keep current on his travels) from the Acapulco Yacht Club where he describes in detail his poolside brunches and all the new yachtie friends he is making. I read these blogs covered in dust, dirty, white knuckling it, attached to two dogs, listening to constant banging and obnoxiously loud Dr. Who reruns ad nauseum, Oh and let me not forget just to round it all out for ya, I am COLD. Los Angeles is going through a freeze of sorts ( for us) and my daily uniform is ugly baggy heavy whatevers, Uggs and a jacket because right now, that's just the best I can do, the heater sucks and right now so does everything else....

Finally let me add here that the economy of the world is crashing and collapsing all around me, which, scary as it is, brings these two interesting and somewhat comforting thoughts, #1, at least I haven't lost any money ( never had any to begin with) and #2, maybe the playing field will be finally leveled between the have and have- not's and we just might all be chopping wood and carrying water together, (which quite frankly maybe the just the collective humbling and healing that we as a society, as a people, truly need!)

To be fair, there is actually a lot of greatness in my life too, so let me add here that I adore my son, dogs husband, I am healthy in body and mind (even if the finances are currently a tad under the weather). And yet, even that could all change if just one of my projects sells, or a big donor comes through for the Just Love Project , or an investor for my film... thus, (I remind myself in my better and brighter moments), I actually have the makings of quite the creative/financial empire -- if only bankruptcy doesn't happen first.

The good news is that I am ( though I may not sound like it) quite surrendered with it all...in fact I hereby give myself one big ass pat on the back for my quite chilled handling of all of this insanity.

My current mantra--'09 Will be Divine..

Until then,

I will enjoy the last few days of the year that was The Not So Great '08

I wish you all a Big Juicy Happy New Year!

And as always, my continued prayer for us all and my own deeply personal, continual and ultimate goal, that being, to...

Just Love,

Patrice

Merry/Happy (Whatever!)

For the love of God can we just get through it already!

You can see that my mood has improved immensely. No actually, I am feeling pretty good and having a relatively relaxing ( if you can call it that) time with my immense sales campaign to talk seventeen year old son Eli into moving back to LA with Momma (complete with all manner of bribes, begs and conspiracies to get all his friends involved in the mission) so far not much budging going on over on his end but one can never underestimate the inner workings that may be brewing beneath the surface- or said one can at least hope!. Oh and did I mention having no shower ( finally a toilet) so every 2-3 days we sheepishly arrive with towels and toiletries to borrow our next door neighbors shower, constant banging and drilling as the workers try their best to create a bathroom, getting emails from Captain Mark's various dockings as he has brought Lor-E- Lei up the Pacific Coast- Lucky dog has been in Nicaragua, Guatemala, El Salvador and now all up the Mexican Coast. I am jealous and dirty ( not the best combination) oh and it is Christmas or did you forget? Just want it over already. Just a nice fast forward into 2009 would be a blessing. That said however, I will continue on with reality as it stands taking it day by day and meal by meal with son who is now a hard core vegan ( like the vegetarian wasn't enough) can you even imagine? I have no patience calling around the friggen town looking for a SOY cheese pizza to be delivered!

I continue on my new favorite obsession/past time researching online where in the world my next home is going to be! Do I want to live in a conscious community, a spiritual ashram, an Eco- village, a surf ghetto? Will I get a job selling real estate in Costa Rica or work at the shaved ice shop in San Pedro Belize? Is it better to live at the coast, the jungle or the mountains? Would Panama or Honduras make more sense? When will I go? How do I get out of my lease? Should I get rid of everything I own? ( save the dog and laptop!!) The questions keep me happy and pushing on.

I want a big dessert right now and think that I will head out and get it.

Love you all,

and again I really do mean it ( for those of you who get into the whole thing) I wish you the Merriest, Happiest, Jolliest of EVERYTHING!

Just Love,

Patrice

Winter Solstice and the Travel Bug

Happy Winter Solstice Everyone,

Starting tomorrow we get a little more light everyday-- Yes to that!!

I am feeling much better as a result of many inner and outer occurrences...

#1 Eli my seventeen year old son (who I have not seen in 6 months!) has come for a two week visit and once again, I realize he is the same snuggly boy that he has always been in spite of the fact that he never wants to email or talk to me on the phone while away.

#2 My new favorite past -time is researching online various places around the world where I can travel and or/ move to and this gives me pleasures that know, no end. You will no doubt be hearing much much more about this. In fact....

....#3 Mark and I spoke from his latest marina in Huatulco, Mexico and he is on the same page, he too has been bitten by the loveliest yet most persistent travel bug and we absolutely want to find a way to sell up and ship off...

#4 I have signed up to take a training to be a hospice volunteer-- the fact is that I have always wanted to do this. I am fascinated by death and amazed at how taboo a subject it is in our society...death being the absolute inevitably of Life! Because of my absolute conviction that what lies beyond is the friggen most glorious 5 star resort of the cosmos compared to the Earth Plane- I believe that it will be a comfort to the clients that I work with (all be within the last few months of their earthly sojourn) to have me come and hang. I cannot think of a more powerful in the moment honor and opportunity to spend sacred time with someone and I am thrilled to dive in and fulfill this longtime desire of mine. I've been dying to do it. ( bad pun)

#5 I have given myself full permission to spend the next few weeks as much as I can possibly handle simply, surrendering and enjoying- come January I will deal with all the harsh realities of my financial woes, career hurdles, you know all the crap that certainly can take a two week holiday without becoming any more of a catatstophe than they already are ( you might want to re frame that Patrice!)

Nahh--No reframing because, I also am not giving a damn how politically correct my energy is. F--k it! I am what I am in the moment is what I am - Sick of all the damn analyzing how I "supposed to be thinking" all the ding dong day. So know this, whatever I share with you is how I am feeling in the moment and EVERYTHING is subject to change. Alright are we clear on that-- don't want no more lectures, seminars, ways of speaking, affirmations-- sick of them. What I offer is Patrice in all her misery or glory as the case may be. DEAL.

#6 Oh and I am Remembering on a much needed level that GOD is with me all the time-- and that NOTHING ultimately is as important as that connection- No Really- NOTHING. The rest is really all one big drama/illusion/maya/passing show...

So Patrice, signing off, living in the moment, fantasizing about being an expat at this second in Paros, Greece, getting ready to go buy and tree and a menorah with my precious giant( 6' 3") boy, to sip Starbucks cafe mocha and not give a shit about getting the whipped cream too and allowing myself the tiniest yet most important crack of possibilities to remain open for Divine Miracles, (especially including those that have money, abundance, propserity dripping from them) actually coming on in to this very nice, extremely deserving, sure put enough spiritual elbow grease out there, Patrice Karst's Life!

I have been stuggling so long-- please Universe, I just want to play now... especially in some different parts of the world...K???

And as always-- While doing whatever the heck it is that you are all out there doing, there really is just one thing for us to be really up to all day- every day...

Just Love,

Patrice

The Wayward Child Returns Home

Still Jet Lagged, Culture Shocked, Freezing Cold Spell, Mid Life Crisis, Christmas ( and all the accompanying triggers therein) Displaced, Confused, Broke, World Gone Crazy, Want to Run Away, Depressed, Exhausted by Life, Homesick, Lonely, Lost, I want a Mommy, Overweight, Beating Myself Up, Marriage a Mess,Un- Motivated, Frizzy, No Makeup( why bother?) and well, need I say more???

And somehow amidst it all I completely forgot that....


The answer to all that ails me is a medicine that comes from only one healer, doctor, pharmacy, hospital...I need an RX from God.

So I am checking myself in with Spirit, the angels, my elder brethren, my guides and teachers, my Source, my Holy Family for a while and I am placing myself in His, Her, Their care entirely...utterly--completely.

The Patient is ready...

Again.

Just Love,

Patrice

On Running Away From Home!!

Okay so day one of re-entry and it isn't looking pretty--Culture shock and then some!!!


After a full day of traveling-- 2 taxi rides= one tram- one bus- 2 planes ( with 8 hour+flying time) I finally drag myself to the motel I had booked to at least have a place to land while I figure out what is next-- So there I was last night in a this miserable dark motel with a suitcase full of wrinkled tropical clothes in Los Angeles which is going through a cold spell. ( Now I know a bad day in LA is warmer than the rest of the country's winter) but coming from the warmth of the tropics, I am shivering inside and out. As drove there, the traffic, the billboards, the people all just looked alien and overwhelming to me. And I always feel the same when I return home-- I never feel happy- Duh Patrice- Ya think that might be something to look at?

I bring myself to unpack and set up shop so to speak and then promptly burst into tears-I can't get to the dogs that are boarded until tomorrow- Mark is at sea, I am feeling really short of friends and family and kind of a loser in that regard, I can't go home and am not sure where home even is anymore and I begin to wonder if there really isn't some kind of message in all of this...For years I have said that I want a different way of life. What then really, I ask myself is stopping me from going and getting it?

I just sort of want to disappear - off the grid--- Call it running, escaping, ditching out, pulling a "geographical" if you will-- I don't care what anyone thinks anymore--- I am kind of in a surreal state right now. at 49 1/2 years old, I am sitting in the motel and taking stock and you know what--it's a mess- just what am I doing here anyway, really?

I am in debt big time, I have been struggling to make it whatever "It" is all my life. Things have never been"normal" for me- I wouldn't know a 401k if it walked over and introduced itself. I just have never felt like I belonged here in the U.S, I seem to march to a distant drum. The values, the pressure, the beliefs, the pace-- not for me.


Though creatively, I have been blessed to have books published and the artist in me has gotten a chance to be heard-- none of that has put enough bread on the table to make much of a sandwich, I am still chasing the " all American dream" which quite frankly as I look around seems to have been more like "the all American nightmare" for many. I am an aging artist in Los Angeles- home of youth and beauty in ridiculous extremes-- It is a big city and somehow I still haven't found my tribe- my gang- my familia...
Is this really where I want to live out my years??? The answer comes back instantly and it is a bellowing NO!

So after calling my son Eli ( 17 and living with his dad hundreds of miles away to my great heartache) I practically beg him to be nice to me as I break down in tears and lo and behold he actually was. I can't wait to see him in a week- even though it's Christmas and we don't have a home to go to-- whether it is motel. hotel, or crashing on the boat- we will be together and that immediately warms the motel room immeasurably.

The fact remains that I would probably see him just as often if I lived in another country as I do now--There really is nothing keeping me here. Mark and I could easily have a long distance relationship-- it might even improve things drastically.

I go to sleep fitfully with all these questions and ponderings dancing through my jet lagged, culture shocked brain. I awaken at 6am to Mark calling from Costa Rica who had a really bad ride yesterday ( even he admitted that it was a good thing I wasn't there- which means it was really bad.) They hit bad weather apparently and it was really hairy for a while with things flying all over the boat-- they are okay thank God- It' funny, I sensed something coming, some slight danger. My intuition is alive and well, which is why I need to start listening and trusting it more than ever. Anyway they are shoving off this morning to make a push to Nicaragua or Guatemala depending on how well they are doing. He too expressed that he really wants to move down to the tropics. However, it is a little easier said than done.

I proceed to do some online research into U.S citizens relocating down there. It is rather daunting to say the least( the paperwork, the legalities,finding work, the shipping , selling, setting up,) and I have much to research- for now I want to give myself permission to go real easy on myself for the next few weeks. I will take everything hour by hour day by day... I will find my home and by God's grace the place where I belong. One thing that appeals to me is the whole ex-pat community thing. It seems that when Americans, Canadians and Europeans relocate, they tend to create their own wonderful families since there own are far away. Something about the common factor of choosing an alternative, out of the box type of reality forms a powerful bond. I can feel something happening inside of me. I can tell that it is indeed only a matter of time before I blow out of dodge and into the trade winds literally.

The adventure of it all is quite compelling. Stay Tuned!

Until then, I am off to get Jojo and Coco released from doggie jail ( boarding) and to be smothered in canine love- I can hardly wait!

Just Love,

Patrice

Going Home ( well, sort of)

The Long Road Home

And then as quickly as it began, it was over and I find myself sitting in the screaming baby section of American Airlines flight 2160 Costa Rica- Los Angeles with a short connection in Dallas.

I can’t go home and have to move into a hotel for a month or more until the hazmat team finishes doing whatever they do to get rid of poisonous mold spores and the construction crew once again creates a bathroom in the place formerly known as my condo. I spent a large portion of the past few days racking up insanely expensive international cell phone bills trying to deal legally/ financially with my landlord, trying to find a hotel that can accommodate me, two dogs and my teenage son who is visiting for Christmas, which has been no easy feat, I found at least a place to go to for the first couple of days but at least then I will be back on home turf and can navigate what to do much easier—still it feels so weird that I am flying home but can’t enter my own home to get things that I need because they have been all packed up and sealed in plastic and to even open the door , I would be exposing myself to deadly air borne spores--- But I digress…


I loved Costa Rica! We ended up finding a slip after a 9 hour run at Los Suenos truly the swankiest marina/resort that I have ever been in. Mark was having a boating dude orgasm at all the multi million dollar sport fishing yachts, we dined, we explored…when the guys were busy fixing stuff and dealing with immigration and customs, I hired Oscar the taxi driver to take me on a tour of the Jaco and Hermosa Playa the cool beach communities chock full of Gringos, surfers, Ticas (the Costa Rican natives) head shops, cafes, restaurants, tour operators, bars, trippy artsy boutiques – just an all-round wonderful scene. He dropped me off and I wandered around, had a chocolate ice cream cone and taxied back to the boat.

Last night, I went downstairs to Marks cabin and crawled in with him for a snuggle which I hadn’t done in quite a while. It felt good. By 6:00 am I was packed and back in the taxi with my new Tica best friend Oscar, who takes me up into the beautiful mountains of Costa Rica for a yummy breakfast with the view to die for and off to the airport in San Jose - back to the expensive, vain, rat race that is Los Angeles, California…back to feeling chubby and broke and never quite enough.

The Costa Rican's have an expression that they greet each other with and it really has come to symbolize the whole Costa Rican belief and way of life-- Pura Vida!!! It means pure life..

I want that kind of life--I want to move to the tropics—I want the chill lifestyle, I want the incredibly inexpensive way of living and I want the warmth in my body and soul. I wonder how long it will take me till I bite the bullet and go for it. For now though I will try to keep the mellow vibe with me as I re-enter.

Thanks for sharing the journey with me.

Oh and by the way, softie Mark—who still has two thousand miles of sea to navigate the Lor-E-Lei to bring her home, (and whom I truly do adore in spite of how irritated my rants may have sounded,) started tearing up big time as Oscar put my luggage in the taxi and hugged me like he was never going to let go. You gotta love a man like that. And I do.

Just Love,

Patrice

Monkey Business and the Mold Nightmare

Monkey Business on Every Level!

The highlight of our one-day layover in Golfito, Costa Rica was waking up a 5am this morning to go and see all the wild monkeys down the road. We had heard that hundreds of monkeys come down every dawn and if you bring bananas, you will get the treat of a lifetime. We were not disappointed. These were the most gentle sweet little creatures you can imagine, taking pieces of banana right from my hand is soft, swift movements. Adorable!

I spent the day yesterday mostly on my own wandering around the village while Mark and Joel spent hours fixing crap in the engine room, dealing with customs, and getting fuel. Golfito is true old Costa Rica, a third world sleepy little fishing village. Quaint and peaceful. And the locals are incredibly friendly to us Gringos. Quite a few Americans living here..they all seem to have the same story—came for a visit and never went back. Most of them have been here for 15+ years. I can’t blame them, it is quite magical.

But we are now on the road/sea again on our way to Los Suenos about 150 nautical miles away up in the Northern Pacific region of Costa Rica.

I am not getting along with Mark right now, his male ego is such that the slightest question that I have regardng the boat and the journey,seems to trigger him into jumping all over me. Case in point—I was talking to another yacht captain that was docked next to us and he told me that it took them 17 hours to get from Los Suenos to Golfito. Mark had estimated 10. So I thought that that was important information to tell him.

He went ballistic. Granted I can be very pushy at times, so maybe he just blew a fuse. I don’t do very well catering to a man’s ego especially when said man quite frankly has done very little to instill confidence in me on this trip. But his level of anger was ridiculous--(he later apoloized profusely). This trip and being together 24 hours a day has been very challenging to say the least. I’m not sure what will happen when we return. I love the man but the fact is that we are like oil and water; it is tumultuous, passionate and aggravating as hell. So between having a horrible cold war with my husband and getting really fed up with being on the water... then this great news just in!!!


My landlord just called on my cell phone and notified me that he has NO idea when I can move back in to my condo. There was some mold disaster in my unit as a result of a leak he was fixing while i was away and he has packed up my entire apartment in boxes and sealed everythihg in plastic. I can’t even enter my unit until the inspector comes and gives it a clean bill of health. And then some major construction begins which could be another two months. So now when the trip ends, I have no place to go, can't even get any of my stuff out, I have two dogs, my son is coming for Chrismas-- And I have got to figure the logistics of all this from three thousand miles away !

After all this travel, all I wanted to do was pick up my doggies, unpack, take a hot bath and settle in --Instead I have no idea where I will be staying after I land at LAX. You know what it is like, when you have been traveling all you wnat to do is get home! Needless to say , I am not a happy camper right now-- I know that there is some great gift is all of this, some wonderfu Universal lesson- but honestly right now, I can't seem to find it. Oy Vey!

Trying to Just Love,

Patrice