What I truly detest about this whole blogging experience for me is that it forces me to write.
Therein lies the story of my life, all our lives. The duality, The choices. Joy or Sorrow. Light or Dark. Good or Evil. The irony is that each feeds off the other and one cannot know fully one side unless it has tasted it's exact opposite.
But Oy Friggen Vey!- What turmoil, what chaos comes from all the choices (big and little) that one has to make in each given moment, in a very long life.
So after much dialogue about whether to blog or not tonight, with all the accompanying and very, "used car salesmanlike" voices on both teams weighing in- somewhere inside Patrice a choice was made-- To Blog won over the mindless yet very tempting crap that was on TV.
It is good for my soul, necessary for my head, and vital for my sanity for me to blog. Whether 10 people or 10 thousand read my words is not what matters.
There is some sense of safety realizing it's more like ten reading me than the other! I have to admit what a rush the thousands would be. Would I still keep it as real? As raw? As pure? I would like to think so but who knows. I would also like to think that if I became rich and famous- my core personality would stay the same and that I would remain " unaffected" and I would be same ol' Patrice- but again who really knows? All we do know for sure is what is right here- right now-- staring us in the face, kissing us softly or punching us in the gut depending on the moment in question.
In this particular moment, I struggle. I struggle with my absolute conviction and faith in God the Light and Source- while at the same time, the forces of shadow, of negativity, try to seduce me with their incessant chatter and ways of pushing me that only they know how to do ( a missed phone call means I will never hear back from that person ever again, the publishing rejection means I obviously suck as a writer, the boredom I feel means I am a freak who is never comfortable in her own skin)-- you get my drift.
So tonight, rather than obsess in my usual way- I blog- I write- I share it away-- and in the process I become lighter, I feel a connection to the human race and each being struggling alongside me on this whirly twirly planet and I become part of the picture rather than a sad lonely observer hanging out and watching it all go by in the wings.
I am noticing that I am tending to write when sad much more than when I am happy. What is that about I wonder? Is that human nature or just my human nature? Or am I just miserable most of the time???
Am I really this morose?- God, I hope not! I'm funny-- I'm funny as hell. No really, I am a funny gal You should see me when I'm "on" Funny I tell you, Ask my friends. I pledge to write more in my funny state soon.
But I blogged- I promised you that I would always keep it real so --Yeah for me!
If you are out there- write back!- I really love hearing from you ...Where are YOU hanging out in your hearts and heads these days? Once again, A goblet of love is being lifted as I propose a toast of reminder to us all to be extra kind and loving to ourselves right now. This is a must.
Oh, and good things HAVE happened by -the -way. My non- profit 501 c3 foundation The Just Love Project has launched-- We are official - and off to help change the world- Way more on that later.
Coco the wiener dog is whining and flipping on her back for attention.
The seventeen year old in Santa Cruz wants me to not call him until he calls me, even if that is a "long time". This is apparently a normal part of teenage boy individuating . WTF? It feels like shit. I cried a lot last night. Screw it-- I am still calling- He can't get rid of me that easy! But maybe I should honor his request and let him miss me for a change! This teenage thing is brutal but when they live far away even worse. At least when they still live at home- even if they tell you to "get lost" you still get to pass the Cheerios to them in the morning and see their snarling little faces - I wish I could see his right now.
The husband I adore is on the boat tonight in the harbor bobbing along happily. It is a wonderful thing to have someone who really really loves you and he does and bless him for that- because sometimes I am so not loveable!
And there you guys all are-- somewhere spinning on this giant globe we call home.
Meanwhile, God and all powers that be are watching, guiding, inspiring our strange funny little family.
And in this moment-- for some reason known only to the Cosmos- my mood has dramatically shifted- and I am feeling deep and real LOVE FOR EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU. All my brothers and sisters. We are on this ride together. Really.
Now to the dachshund who loves me like only her four-legged cute self can--
Life ain't so bad-- especially when I take the time to share it with You...