It is one of those days. You know the ones-- or do you? I wonder sometimes if I am a rarity when it comes down to those Blah, Blah, really Blah days or do you all have 'em too? Logic and my 12 step meetings tell me you do, but the way my warped mind works,I am tormented with little diddies like," God you are so f--ked up Patrice. No one else wanders around there house with the maddening existential angst like you do!"
My voices can be mean little a--holes, clever and cunning too. They just seem to get cheap thrills in kicking me extra hard, when I am down. They delight in it, in fact. Cruel little devils, they are. And then, ( and this can really mess with me) comes the realization that "they" are indeed not from some external source. They are in fact all me!
Now if that doesn't send you wanting to run for the hills, I don't know what else could. I tell ya. "Why?", I ask myself, " do you let YOU do that to YOU?"
No good answers come, only more questions.
Oh, I can come up with rote reasons-- spiritual growth, emotional maturing, deeper connections to kick my ass into being of service to others instead of moping around. But these " reasons"all seem trite and cliche today. Like bland fortune cookies that are stuffed with the same old crap you have read a million times before. You will succeed in all your affairs.
I wanted today, just for once to have the most brilliant of epiphanies that would result in me solving the riddle of all time, or creating world peace, or great art, or for the love of God at least some damn relief, but alas, today as usual, I just waited for the hours to pass.
I snuggled Coco, made a few phone calls, watched Tivo'd shows, paced, ate, stared out the window when I wasn't gazing at the computer waiting for it to heal me. I talked to God, yelled at God, bargained with God and still the hours passed like molasses.
Even the invitation from my girlfriend in Maui to come for a visit in the next couple of weeks ( which I am going to do by the way) brought no real joy. Hawaii for God's sake! That should have stirred up a bit of delight-- but nope-- nada- zippo.
And so, I am blogging. I mean after all, I can't be funny, witty, zippy, trippy, Patrice all the time, can I? Should I? Would that I could!
Yuck, I am even boring myself here-- so I am going to move on. There is no " good " reason for all of this icky depression. Not really. No- one died. Well actually that is not true. A troubled gal ( obviously having some very bad days herself!) in my building accidentally overdosed on a Oxycontin and some kind of booze lethal combo last week.
I went to her "viewing" yesterday even though I hardly knew her. Hey I was in the area any way and it seemed like a decent thing to do. And truth be told, I haven't seen a dead body in a while and I was mildly curious...
Yikes - yuck. Looking at her laying there looking not at all like the neighbor I saw once in a while, she looked old and weirdly made up. The embalmer maybe was having an off day?
Her corpse gave me absolutely no pause in remembering that when I leave, I am absolutely to be cremated. No bad make up jobs for me, that I don't even get to approve -- thank you very much!
And now I have a perfectly good reason to claim is the reason for my blues today. That Claudia in # 203 died and she didn't really mean to.
May she rest in peace.
God I hope that's how it works. If not, I will be friggen Pissed off, I tell ya!
Okay, I am going now-- tomorrow will be better. I can feel it. I will chalk the real reason for my state of mind today on a slew of facts, my empty nest, midlife madness, planet gone bonkers, husband not around, teen stepdaughter suspended for being drunk, debt growing, mean nasty agents rejecting, phone not ringing, state of affairs....
Need I say more- Oh yeah and that Don't have any vices to play with!
Hey, having said all that-- I am actually am doing much better than I thought-- considering.....
Much better happiness posting next time, I promise... or you can chase me down and slap me.
Truly, I need one thing and one thing only-- no really! And, I'll be darned... I am going to find it and give it to myself. Who better????