Every year I swear to myself that it will be different. That this is the year that the darkness closing in earlier won't get to me. And ever year, I fail. Now, I gotta tell you that I have analyzed this till the cows came home and left again. No matter how much I tell myself that 'attitude is everything' ( mine obviously sucks) and that I really could choose to look at this a "cozy comfy nesting time of the season", it doesn't work and always comes back to the same old story. When the clocks go back, I go black. Not suicidal, not get me out of here or I will lose my sanity -check me in right now, manic hysteria black--it's all a little more like a really ugly darkish -grey.
I just don't dig the night much, let alone winter nights. And why oh why, I am begging to know --do we need to screw with the whole time thing anyway? Isn't it bad enough that God sees fit every single year to slowly take our light away from us, that we collectively (and for no good reason that anyone has ever been able to explain to me) have to speed the darkness up by putting the clocks back-- making sure to drive the nail just a bit deeper into the darkness coffin!??
It's not that there isn't plenty to do. There are books to read ( or write!) five hundred television channels, dogs to play with, husband to talk to, I could take up cooking like nice normal people do, I could meditate and get to know that oh so often elusive God better, I've got the Internet to soar all over the globe with -- How dare I be such a complainer? It's just that ( and this is the part so unnerving to me) it's just so damned dark.
I don't know when I stopped going out at night. I think all the years of being a single mom- I just got in habit of taking a hot bath ( when kid would let me) at around 5, closing the curtains and "settling in" And now that I can go anywhere at night, do anything- well, let's put it this way, it's six pm , I have already bathed, jammied, and am ready for another night of Nancy Grace, laptop blogging on the sofa and hoping that something tonight just might feel different.
It doesn't. What the hell is wrong with me? What is my excuse now?- Is it a sign of age that I just plain want to be home at night inside safe and sound ( and nuts)?
I am always amazed at the people out and about at night as if it is the most natural thing in the world to them. Movies, dinners, shopping, visiting ( hey do people even go hang out at each others houses at night anymore?) This thought unfortunately now takes me down another bad spiral, leading me to spin out on this-- Where are my friends? Do I really even have friends? Their all scattered. Why don't I have a cool village tribe, a gang of peeps to hang with? There ain't no village here! What the hell is wrong with me and my life? What happened? Why am always so uncomfortable in my own nighttime skin? Truth be told- my daytime skin has some real issues too. I guess I could go out drinking if I drank, or go to AA meetings for if I didn't. Jeez- I'm a mess.
I truly wonder what compells me to sit here night after night--feeling like I am just killing time till daylight peaks out again. Or ( and I really really want to know this) are these normal feelings that I am having? By the way, I spend my life asking variations of that one question," Is this normal?"
I use up ridiculous amounts of time-- so many hours wondering if other people have the same weird feelings as I do. Like there is an real answer to this!? Will I ever fully know? Does it even matter? But seriously, ( and this comes bursting out of Patrice's curiosity factory) do any of you feel like any of this? And for the love of God, I hope your answer is yes.
What I do know is that whenever I travel ( especially third world countries) nighttime feels different somehow. (Granted when travelling, everything feels different). People seem to be outside at night- hanging in their villages. Just being.
Heck, You drive around here at night in the residential neighborhoods and you don't see soul stirring. Just the glow of lights behind the drawn shades. Creepy.
Hmmmnnn--Maybe if I had a "real job", and I wasn't a stay at home writer all day. Then it would all be so different, I'm sure of it. I guess if you are at work all day--you are just so happy to be home and cooking and with your family and the night speeds on by and you don't sit around wondering about all this.
Agghh!!! I'm getting sick of hearing myself already.
I could absolutely change this if I wanted to right? Get out of the sleepy clothes, join a "club-- a committee-take a class" why, I could volunteer- help someone- call everyone I know, make a collage... Jeez I live in a cool neighborhood with all kinds of cafes open late, I could take the laptop, find a nice bohemian spot and write deep into the night, with lots of other creative types ( or those that just had to escape home like me)...
but NO-- I apparently would rather sit here on the couch, pondering obsessively the meaning of this all. And it's not like the end of the world or anything. Nighttime just puzzles me.
Day brings with it all sorts of possibilities. The birds sing for God's sake! Not hearing any birds --Nope-- there are no birdies singing around here tonight. They even seem to "close" down till morning.
And now that's all said, Saturday night the Clocks Go Back!. Pray for me will ya! Kidding-- (not really)
Ah, It's now 7:00 ( you all helped me get through another hour)
Gotta go! Phony weird Nancy Grace, who I'm addicted to) beckons.
Okay, I lied- Here is my final final thought--- I'm feeling the need to defend my crazy sounding self--It really isn't as bad as I make it seem --I'm just very dramatic-- bit of an intense weirdo here on this particular planet Earth. On my home planet, there was no "night" everything felt right and I Rocked! I'm convinced of it!! And quite frankly, tonight Home sounds good.
But it's okay--I'll get back there again soon enough, so I will try for the millionth time to "work on my attitude" a little bit more--make some peace with all of this.
Until then,
Hey wait! New and big thought just came to me--- I suddenly started remembering all the things about night that are so incredible-- they deserve to be in print tonight too-- and yes, because of them-- my attitude seems to be changing- Lo and Behold!
Patrice's ten favorite night things ( not in any particular order)
Stars ( especially shooting ones!)
Moonlight over the ocean
The twinkle of city lights
The sound of owls, coyote and other night critters
The dreamy drifting feeling as I fall asleep
Fireworks
Outdoor Fires
Lightning
Candlelight
The promise of the day to come!
Wow Night suddenly looks a whole lot brighter-- as you can tell by the colors -- I am feeling downright rainbowy!
However, while looking at list above, I kind of got my self all esoteric and stuff realizing that many of the items on the list still have to do with Light!
There's something deeply spiritual in all this-- but I'm getting too tired to figure it all out
(that rascal night will do that to you!)
So I will close out here (before it becomes day again and therefore irrelevant) by simply saying and I really mean this in the truest sense of the word...
My blogs never really end--they just go to sleep...
GOODNIGHT!!!!
just love,
patrice
3 comments:
First of all, don't go out partying. I went out to a Halloween one to help my friend take a few photographs for this school project, as well as join another friend for some drinks and a little bit of dance, and it was, simply put, not worth it.
I actually read this within the hour you posted it, but I was very tired at the time so I didn't leave a comment, but here it is now!
Let me mention that aside from my mother, my beloved grandmother had seven other daughters as well. All eight of them collectively are a very wide-ranging group of people.
Two of them do what you do.
My third aunt is a PhD in physiotherapy, and she was paid so much by the University of Toronto for her expertise in research, that she never has to work again. She stays at home seven days a week and is really comfortable growing her own organic food and studying for her own knowledge. And my second aunt is an interior designer, that enjoys golf, books, and quiet evenings at home watching television, designing, writing and trying new recipes.
My grandparents and the rest of our family have always been very easygoing with what we do with our lives. I am 'permitted' to be who I want to be, at least by my family, and I feel that you have that right as well.
The most important thing that my mother always taught me is that you never, ever, ever should compare yourself to others, and completely change your own desires, your perspective, your principles and your opinions to mimic others. If other people are going out each night, the night is theirs to own at the cinema, in the restaurants, at the mall, or on the dance floor.
But the night is yours to own in your own home. I believe a lot of people feel what you feel and have the same feelings you have. All of us ponder every once in a while what it could be now or might've been - and we particularly take an interest in picturing the complete opposite.
Perhaps it is just where you live that makes it seem so cold, dark and eerie. It's similar in Hong Kong. The residential areas are all peaceful and silent.
But is that what is important to you? Being a part of a residential community? A club or a committee or a neighborhood or a gang of peeps or some sort of a village? Being a part of society?
I tend to think about that importance. I think about it before I go out by myself, or with my mother, or have dinner at a family reunion, or go out with a large group of friends, or attend a crazy, wild party with people in the hundreds coming in and out of the same club.
Do I really want to be alone and why? Do I really want to be one of a pair or a family or a group and why? Do I really want to go clubbing and why?
I'm not sure where I'm going with this, but my advice about this is just to really think about what is important to you. Why do you want/miss the old 'nighttime you' that used to go out at night?
'Why?' is such a crucial question to ask oneself. Purpose is everything.
Love,
Michael.
Thanks for your thoughts Michael,
It's all good-- you know me though- I'm always questioning everything!
Peace,
Patrice
I loved this blog! I esp. like the way you evolved your whole process into a happy rainbow of good ideas on the topic of winter nights.
Have A Magical Day & Night!
katgirl
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